In A Loop

I'm sat scrolling through Facebook and this post pops up on my timeline saying "what is more painful than a break-up?". I commented though I got carried away with my thoughts.

From Google

My answer was this...


"Sitting alone thinking about how you have no life.

You have no money due to not having a job because you can't seem to function in public even though everybody says "you're fine, just deal with it" but you're too scared to go out and get a job now because your last one ended due to fainting every time you went in because you can't seem to stop having anxiety attacks when alone in public.

You have no friends either and though have a boyfriend you live with and who is your best friend and your parents and little sister are amazing and do so much for you, you have nobody else away from home and family.

Your friends all left because who would actually want to be friends with somebody who seems to not care enough to visit but you do care it's just in reality, you just can't afford to visit and when you can (which is rare) you panic about the thought of going somewhere alone again, even if it means seeing people you know and care about.

And then you and your sister come up with the idea of starting your own business and keep looking into it but after about an hour of thinking "I can do this, this would be great!" you doubt yourself again because I mean, who'd want to buy anything off of you? And you can't really afford to invest even though you want too and you're just scared again and you're tired of being scared.

You're tired of being alone not being able to do things like learn to drive, go on holiday, go out drinking or for a meal, get another tattoo, buy some records...

All the things you want to do you can't because you're in a loop where you want to but can't but can but are too scared and you go on and on until you lay on the sofa day after day in your onesie wanting to cry because you just want to give up..."


Dramatic? Yes, I know but this is what goes through my mind. My life at 21 shouldn't be sitting at home day in, day out and not being able to enjoy my life. I mean, I'm happy in the sense that I have a relationship with my best friend and I love him very much. I'm also happy that after many years of talking-not talking-talking again with my parents, we're finally in a great place where I can go to them if I need them and I go and visit and have great day with them and my sister... But aside from that, what do I have? The answer is simple... Nothing.

And when I say I have no friends... I do, I have 3 friends who I've known and loved for 3 years but they live across the world (which sucks so much). I love them to death but I can't just pop to town with them, y'know? I wish I could though... That'd be amazing...

People will say "well you have your own place with a boyfriend who loves you, parents who care and literally give you everything they can just to make you're okay and eating right and that you're happy... Why are you complaining, other people have less than you do?" and yes, you're right. I know this. People often tell me others are worse off than me. Other people's depression and anxiety are worse than mine. Other people have worse conditions than mine... I know all of this. My mum has it worse than me, a lot of it I caused when I refused to speak to them for years from being 16 years old. I was an awful child growing up and I'm working on that... But to me? It's pretty bad.

As I'm typing this I'm holding back the tears.

I'm not typing this for pitty, I'm just getting a lot off of my chest here because I don't want to make the people that I have in my life feel awful by dumping all my sh*t onto them.

This business idea that my sister and I want to run with is something that, the more I think about and look into running a business, the more I want to do it. It may be a silly idea and it may not even work out but what if it did and I'm just sat here too scared to try because I doubt myself so much and in years to come, I end up regretting it?

Maybe, if I can get the supplies to start it off, maybe I'll try. It'd be on Etsy for now but I think that's a good place to start. I made a logo for us the other day and everything...

©MysticalSisters2018

It is something I'm serious about and that I'd love to try out... Now it's just figuring out if it's even worth it and trying to push myself into going for it.

And from now on, I'm going to do a Miranda and Stevie (from the BBC show, Miranda) and ask myself, in the words of Heather Small... "What have you done today to make you feel proud?"

xo xo